A one-time thing.

Yesterday I posted a blog (on my shared account with my friend Kim) about what happened the last few weeks, my side of what happened. Last night I recieved a few texts and a facebook status update was posted about me.

I understand, they were upset. They have a right to be, just like I had a right to tell my side of the story... Just like I had a right to request a break from the friendship, just like I had a right to be upset about what went down.

I want to apologize for how blunt I was. Not for what I said but how I said it. I should have been more cautious. And for that, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to tell my side, what I went through that week. What feelings I had to battle and most of those were created by things that were said behind my back. I never said that the two said anything about other people. Just me. I'm not saying they're bad people. I am saying that I felt wronged by them. Not everyone was. And I hope they see that this wasn't something created to ruin their lives. It was something to free me. Get all of this stuff off of my chest. 

If anyone thought it was another way, please, please don't judge them for it. Please keep the same relationship you had with these people. I just wanted to tell my side. So they knew how I felt. Not to make people dislike them. 

Finally. In the past few days I have been thinking a lot about the friends I have in my life. Back home I have so many great friends... They're like my family. And I worked so hard to get a collection of friends like that. It took years. Some I met in middle school, others in high school. But it's not easy to just make friends that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's hard. And when I came to college I thought that it would be easier to make friends that I would love just like the ones back home because I'm an adult and I've done it before. But it's hard. 

I love the friends I have made here in California, and the exciting thing is that I get to work with these people. I get to make projects with these people. 

However, with these two I have always felt a little rejected, a little made fun of... A little out of place. An outcast. Which is something I shouldn't feel because I know so many great people and around those great people (at home and in Cali) I feel accepted and loved.

The only relationships I meant to kilter was mine with those two people. I didn't mean to hurt my relationship with anyone else. Or their relationships with anyone else (which I don't think I did). I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to tell my side. And they will soon be telling their side in a documentry that I hope will be posted on youtube. They can what they want. They deserve to tell their side too. And I will be willing to listen. I just don't want to have a scream-a-thon in my room. 

The only thing I have to say about the way they responded (with the texts and facebook status update) is that they, originally, wanted to hear something similar to my side. I get it that they probably meant in my friends documentry or in person but I felt the only way for me to finally be done with this was on my blog. Which. Only my friends back home and a few other select people read. It's not like the entire world reads it. And in a few months no one will even remember that blog post. 

People write to think. To get the thoughts in their heads out of their heads. That's all I was doing, getting all this out of my head. I wrote it on the blog because it was my week and I had left things open-ended the week before. I'm writing this on here because I don't want my blog with Kim to turn into a gossip blog. But I didn't want to post anything on facebook as a status because, well, fighting on facebook is stupid. I wouldn't post a status update saying something rude about the other people. Everyone reads status updates. Not everyone reads my blog.

As for the texts, I could understand those. You had a right to text me (you know who you are) and I apprieciate that you told me how you felt. I'm sorry I made things out to seem they were "okay" I should have told you that I had a problem with you. I should have told you I wanted a break. I should have done that. I'm sorry I didn't. 

The Update: Would you have posted the same thing if you hadn't unfriended me before? Did you post it knowing someone would tell me. Or did you post it just because I can't respond to it. Also, bringing a third party into this was completly uncalled for. I was talking about what happened between us. I didn't say anything about you and other people. It was only about you and me. 

And now. I'm done talking about this forever. There will be no more blogs about it.  I will not talk about it anymore. I just wanted to make clear what my intentions were. 

Again. I'm sorry for the way things played out. These last few days at least. I should have thought about it more. I should have phrased things differently. But I am not sorry I said it. 

-Berlyn